‘Confusion will be my epitaph’ it says in the track from King Crimson’s 1969 album ‘In the Court of the Crimson King’ (and if you did not know, King Crimson are my favourite band!)
Well, right at the moment were I to have to choose what was to be put on my gravestone, then ‘Confused’ might well be it!
These weeks of change, journeying, new beginnings and sad endings are causing me considerable confusion – not mental confusion, but certainly emotional confusion.
A couple of weeks ago there was the excitement of moving into our new home – Jane’s manse in Lennoxtown. But that is confusing also as I am still staying part of the time in Edinburgh.
The joy of Jane’s induction into the Parish of Campsie last week was tempered by the realisation of how much I still have to do by way of tying up various things at St Cuthbert’s... and the prospect of the leaving, which occasions a great sense of loss.
The excitement of Jane’s new ministry has also left me a bit confused about my role in her new parish. (Yes, there have been all the jokes about being the Minister’s wife and if I can bake scones etc etc!). But there is a serious issue here... one of role and function.
Meanwhile, while I am trying to settle into a new home (in which I am only sometimes staying) and share in Jane’s new life (while still trying to minister and conclude things in St Cuthbert’s) I am also looking ahead to my new role as an Interim Minister and today I head off to a conference for Interim Ministers which brings that new dimension much closer to the forefront of my already confused and conflicted brain!
All this said, I suppose that I know fine well that transition is always emotionally upsetting and challenging. Confusion may be inevitable.
I am reminded of poor confused Nicodemus who seemed to be struggling with Jesus’ night time teaching in John chapter 3. But Jesus said to him ‘The wind blows where it chooses, and you hear the sound of it, but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes. So it is with everyone who is born of the Spirit’.
So, whatever lies ahead, whatever changes are occurring, whatever transition is being negotiated and whatever confusion I may be feeling, still the wind of the Spirit is blowing. Who knows where it will take me or how I will get there? But all I am called to do is raise the sail and catch the breeze...