soul space - again!

I have posted before about ‘soul space’ the monthly worship event at St Cuthbert’s.

As I explained in that previous post, the aim of ‘soul space’ (which was formerly ‘Sanctuary in the City’ which in turn had evolved from the earlier ‘Reflective Services’) is to provide a place and time for engaging with God, prayer, Scripture, the Holy Spirit, peace etc at your own pace and in your own way, in silence (although there are occasional short spoken reflections and often quiet music playing).

I happen to think that ‘soul space’ is one of the most important things that St Cuthbert’s offers in terms of our worship provision! (and before some folks get offended by that, let me say that I very deeply appreciate our musically and liturgically rich Sunday worship and our important and intimate Healing Services!) But there is something distinctive and significant about ‘soul space’.

But let me be honest; ‘soul space’ is not well attended or supported. There are a few who come from the congregation (including those who are members of the planning team). There is a handful from the places of work around our doors. A few occasionally come from other city centre churches. And we even have one or two who travel from beyond Edinburgh to be with us. But the numbers are small.

It remains a mystery to me why more people do not come, why those who come once and express appreciation of it do not return, why the undoubted enthusiasm of those who attend does not attract more. But that is how it is.

And perhaps that is ok. Perhaps we are simply a mustard seed... a small thing that can have a much bigger effect and influence than the initial size would lead us to expect.

And that is where I am encouraged!

Over the years we have influenced others from throughout Scotland (and beyond!) to use our material or to begin their own alternative/creative /reflective style of worship. Just recently a Christian ministry in London sought our permission to use some of our ‘soul space’ resources and reflections in their own materials and settings. On Wednesday past members from a congregation in Fife came along to ‘soul space’ with a view to considering doing something along similar lines in their own setting.  And in the past we have encouraged congregations elsewhere in Scotland to ‘do their own thing’.

I am encouraged by all of that as well as by the assurance that ‘soul space’ will continue with a marvellous and creative team beyond my leaving. (as indeed its predecessors in St Cuthbert’s were established long before I arrived here).

But I do remain mystified as to why – in our frantic and frazzled world, crying out for places of peace and stillness – so few attend.

[check out http://www.st-cuthberts.net/soulspace.php] 

Transition and Confusion

‘Confusion will be my epitaph’ it says in the track from King Crimson’s 1969 album ‘In the Court of the Crimson King’ (and if you did not know, King Crimson are my favourite band!)

Well, right at the moment were I to have to choose what was to be put on my gravestone, then ‘Confused’ might well be it!

These weeks of change, journeying, new beginnings and sad endings are causing me considerable confusion – not mental confusion, but certainly emotional confusion.

A couple of weeks ago there was the excitement of moving into our new home – Jane’s manse in Lennoxtown. But that is confusing also as I am still staying part of the time in Edinburgh.

The joy of Jane’s induction into the Parish of Campsie last week was tempered by the realisation of how much I still have to do by way of tying up various things at St Cuthbert’s... and the prospect of the leaving, which occasions a great sense of loss.

The excitement of Jane’s new ministry has also left me a bit confused about my role in her new parish. (Yes, there have been all the jokes about being the Minister’s wife and if I can bake scones etc etc!). But there is a serious issue here... one of role and function.

Meanwhile, while I am trying to settle into a new home (in which I am only sometimes staying) and share in Jane’s new life (while still trying to minister and conclude things in St Cuthbert’s) I am also looking ahead to my new role as an Interim Minister and today I head off to a conference for Interim Ministers which brings that new dimension much closer to the forefront of my already confused and conflicted brain!

All this said, I suppose that I know fine well that transition is always emotionally upsetting and challenging. Confusion may be inevitable.

I am reminded of poor confused Nicodemus who seemed to be struggling with Jesus’ night time teaching in John chapter 3. But Jesus said to him ‘The wind blows where it chooses, and you hear the sound of it, but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes. So it is with everyone who is born of the Spirit’.

So, whatever lies ahead, whatever changes are occurring, whatever transition is being negotiated and whatever confusion I may be feeling, still the wind of the Spirit is blowing. Who knows where it will take me or how I will get there? But all I am called to do is raise the sail and catch the breeze...

Breaking up is hard to do

Neil Sedaka’s famous song with that title (recorded by him in two different versions, 1962 and 1975 if I am correct) was about the end of a relationship – a love affair.

And I suppose that is how I feel about the fact that I have just in the last few days announced to the congregation that I am to be leaving St Cuthbert’s at the end of March. I am taking on the role of one of the Interim Minister team in the Church of Scotland.

I suppose that one result of this is that I may need to change the title of this blog! No more ‘Cuthbert in Edinburgh’!

But whatever adjustments that will need to be made, the biggest thing at the moment is that I have such a deep sense of loss at the prospect of leaving St Cuthbert’s. I love St Cuthbert’s, I love the people and I have loved my (approaching) 8 years there. In fact in some ways it does feel like the end of a love affair, certainly on my part.

One perceptive long-time friend and colleague in ministry, on learning of my news, perceptively wrote ‘what a wrench for you!  I really felt that St. C’s has been a real zenith in your career, kinda what you were born for’.

Indeed. That is how it feels.

But on we must go... me and them.

And if the road to a future of service to God, for me and St C’s, and the road to the future mission that awaits me and St C’s, and the road to new opportunities in the Spirit for me and St C’s lies at first through a time of pain and loss, then that pattern is not a strange one for Christianity. Far from it!

I announced my departure at the Church service on Sunday morning. After I did so I was somewhat distracted and desolate... and then I heard the words of the Old Testament reading being read and suddenly I was very alert to them ‘Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;   I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;   and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. ... Do not fear, for I am with you’ (Isaiah 43).

I was further struck by one of the hymns we sang (I had not chosen Sunday’s praise). It was Carl P Daw’s ‘Mark how the Lamb’. The final part of the second verse reads:

So we, by water and the Spirit 
baptized into Christ’s ministry, 
are often led to paths of service 
through mazes of adversity.

Oh, how true, and how relevant that felt for me on Sunday morning.

Breaking up is hard to do.

A Question of Identity

Last Sunday, my wife Jane preached as sole nominee for the vacant charge of Campsie Parish Church. Thanks to the generosity and kindness of my lovely colleagues in the Ministry Team of St Cuthbert’s (and at their insistence!) I was able to be there.

It was a heart-warming, lovely, affirming and entirely joyous occasion as Jane was voted for unanimously by what seem to be a welcoming, community based and thoroughly delightful congregation.

And there was I… the husband of the minister; the ‘had to be introduced to be known’; the ‘came along too’ person!

Not that I was for one moment complaining. I know that this is the role that Jane has fulfilled (and with considerable grace) since my ordination in 1981. And we had agreed that the time was now long past when roles should be reversed.

I was glad to be there, pleased to share in the joy and delighted to be photographed with Jane as her husband (and that despite the protest of some who may have implied that this may have been demeaning to Jane?!?!) I cannot see that, given that she was the main woman, I was the happy supporter; a loving partner is not a bad thing, is it?

But for me the interesting thing is the complete reversal of roles. For so long Jane has been the ‘Minister’s wife’ (I hated that tag, the implication of it and the expectation that went with it, and was delighted that Jane did not fulfil these expectations). Not surprisingly (but possibly, tellingly!) there are no such expectations of Ministerial husbands (and it will be interesting to learn how same sex partners are being treated in this respect).

But all this said, and all that considered, for me the interesting thing is observing how things have so completely turned around during the course of my (almost) 40 years of Minister.

When I was ordained, Jane had no thought of ordination and no sense of a call to Ministry.  I was the Minister, she was my wife.

On Sunday past, she was the Minister and I was her husband.

I loved it… and yet there was still a sense of slight dislocation. Who was I/am I really?

Well, I know in a fundamental and ontological sense…

…but – in Ministry terms – that is for another post!

soul space

One day, about two years ago, a book was left for me at St Cuthbert’s when I was not present.  The book ‘The Blessing of Life’ was written by an American Presbyterian pastor named Gerrit Dawson. The message left with the book suggested that I check out pages 99 to 101.

I was somewhat puzzled. Not only had I not previously heard of the author, but I wondered why there would be anything of special interest to me in this book.

I turned to page 99 and read of how Gerrit and his daughter were in Edinburgh a couple of years earlier. ‘As we walked to the end of the Princes Street Gardens in the center of Edinburgh we came to St Cuthbert’s Church. Noticing that the church was hosting a time of reflection called “Sanctuary in the City”, we went in. Various stations were set up around the beautiful sanctuary. At each you could interact with the meaning of Christ’s passion and resurrection through prayer, visual art, writing or reading’.  Gerrit went on to describe the profound impact one ‘station’ in particular had on him.

In subsequent correspondence with Gerrit I discovered more of just how important and meaningful that visit to St Cuthbert’s, and the interaction with ‘Sanctuary in the City’, had been. He told me that he had used some of the prayers and texts he found that day in Lenten worship and sermons in his own setting, and he wrote ‘that we both had such an experience of the Lord’s grace together in St Cuthbert’s was a gift beyond hope’.

This was a great encouragement to me and to the team of folks involved in setting up this monthly time.  When Gerrit visited St Cuthbert’s, this time of peace, space and prayer was indeed called ‘Sanctuary in the City’. It is now called ‘soul space’. Its roots are in monthly Reflective Services which had been held in St Cuthbert’s for years before I was called as minister.

The aims of ‘soul space’ (formerly ‘Sanctuary in the City’) are to provide a place and time for engaging with God, prayer, Scripture, the Holy Spirit, peace etc at your own pace and in your own way, in silence (although there are occasional short spoken reflections and often quiet music playing).

We are pleased when regular congregational members come, but even more encouraged when folks from other churches attend and delighted when people passing by, those on a lunch break from local work places, harassed shoppers and so on, drop in and participate for a short time or a longer time.

Usually we do not know how many people may engage with what is offered, still less how and in what way they may benefit from it.

We offer what we offer, hold the space open, and leave the rest up to God.

What I can say is that I believe that in offering a place and space where folks can stop, pause, be quiet and reflect for even a few moments, we are giving people an immeasurable gift. And I know that I gain so very much myself from these moments praying, reflecting, engaging, reading, lighting a candle, silence…

Truth be told, I think I am really quite pleased that in this target driven, goal oriented world where numbers are counted, success measured in some supposedly quantifiable way, and outcomes assessed, we are offering something the effect and benefit of which cannot be readily assessed or measured.

If you want to find out more (or even better, start something in your setting) then see http://www.st-cuthberts.net/soulspace.php or www.facebook.com/cuthbertsoulspace

Autumn Days

As I sit at my desk in my study in the Manse, I look out of the window at a beautiful tree which has been slowly turning colour as autumn progresses. It lifts my spirits every day when I look out on it.

I love autumn and especially these bright, crisp sunny autumn days when the light has a magical quality and the air is clear. When the sun is low in the sky it highlights buildings and hills in stunning ways (and I reckon that Edinburgh is one of the very best places to appreciate this!)

I have very vivid memories from back in the mid 70s of starting the University session in October and these early wonderful days of each new session (just to be clear, I loved my time at University!)

On bright, crisp autumnal mornings I would walk through Kelvingrove Park admiring the colours of the trees, praising God and joyfully anticipating the forthcoming Systematic Theology lecture!

Of course, all that was forty years ago… say it quietly! Forty years…

The other day I rediscovered the Bible which had been presented to me at my licensing in Glasgow Cathedral in 1980, 36 years ago. Extraordinary. Indeed, the day that this bible was rediscovered was the same day on which I attended a conference organised for Ministers to tell us about retirement, pension, Housing and Loan fund etc.

I guess it is now autumn for me too!

I may have to work a little at loving the autumn of life as much as I love the season of the year.

And yet there is something attractively mellow about knowing that one’s most energetic and possibly productive work lies behind;  a quiet satisfaction that – for all the mistakes and failures – there has been a lot of good work done, and it is now time to slow down just a little and adopt different rhythms. Time to shift down a gear.

And that is fine… in theory!

I have not found it quite so easy to accept in practice.

But right now, as I look out at that tree I think I may not be too far away.

As ‘The Preacher / Philosopher’ said ‘For everything there is a season…’ (Ecclesiastes 3: 1).

A Confusing Condition

I am just returning to work after two weeks on leave. Not that we were away (other than a day or two here and there) but it was good to have the break. In the middle of this fortnight there was a family wedding. What a great day it was. A real joy!

I enjoyed reconnecting with family and with friends (some of these friends I have known since childhood, but I see only rarely, and usually at such events).

For various reasons I have been feeling particularly well these last two or three weeks (since my last post here). Indeed, I have enjoyed a consistently better level of health than I have done in the previous two and a half years! There may be several reasons for this, but whatever they are, I believe that God lies behind all of that, so I am grateful indeed to God!

Yet, I made the conscious decision to take a walking stick with me to the wedding. Lately I have used my walking stick only occasionally and when I have it has been an indication that I have not been feeling so steady… in every sense!

Sometimes (not always) my balance is a little compromised; sometimes (not always) my legs feel heavy, tired and sore and to have an additional aid can help; sometimes (not always) stairs can be a challenge and (if a lift is not available or convenient) a stick can assist.

But, none of these things have been true over the last few weeks.

However, even when I am feeling well, I know that standing ‘unpropped’ for long periods of time can be a difficult, draining and debilitating experience. Don’t ask me why standing has such an effect when I can walk or cycle… but that is my reality (when I consult physios regarding this they try to explain it, but it still seems odd to me!).

So, knowing that the early part of wedding receptions can involve long periods of standing, and being aware that this reception was to be in a marquee (and so no walls to prop oneself against!) I took my walking stick. Just as well, as I had to spend a considerable time before the meal standing without the means of leaning on something and with no chairs in sight on which to sit!

And, I was fine. I had my walking stick!

And yet, the number of people who said to me the likes of ‘But, you are looking so well’, or ‘lose the stick!’ and who looked confused and a little askance when I managed (one only!) dance…

Yes, I know it looks confusing, and it appears that I am well and that it seems to make no sense.

It does not make a lot of sense to me either.

And I would do almost anything be well again, not to have this condition, or consider energy depletion, or where the loos are, or what I can manage today because of what tomorrow holds; not to have to think ahead about walking sticks, or if there will likely be walls or chairs or other furniture against which to lean. Or just simply to be able to manage what I once did.

Years ago, when I heard about reports in the newspapers (usually the Daily Mail or Daily Express!) regarding supposed ‘benefits frauds’ who were videoed dancing or whatever when they were claiming benefits for disability I used to agree with the critics and get very annoyed with the ‘cheats’! My annoyance was partly because they were (as I thought) turning public opinion and sympathy against those with genuine need. I am still irritated at those who exploit the system. And yet, now I wonder if it is as simple as it seems.

How could I – a man with a walking stick – also manage a dance? Yet I can… one at least.

And I know the reality that I dearly and deeply wish was not mine. But it is.

I also know what my immediate family witness when I return from conducting a wedding or funeral where unpropped standing is almost a necessity and I am utterly wrecked and unable to function for several hours.

But, then, nobody else sees that.

These last few weeks I have been attending the MS Therapy Centre in Leith where I have had the privilege of meeting with many folks who also have MS.

One of the things that strikes me is how different we all are. Some (like me I guess) appear unaffected to the casual observer while others (possibly most) of my new friends need sticks or wheelchairs.

On some days at the Centre, I have felt like a fake and a fraud. On other days, I have connected with several who – like me – seem outwardly / visibly ‘well’.

This was something on which I had already reflected, as I have two close relatives with MS whose experience is very different from mine (thus far). When they hear that I can cycle, walk the dog etc, they are amazed. And yet, in relation to another family wedding coming up next year in California, one of these relatives will be attending while I have decided I cannot. My symptoms (although less obviously disabling or visible) mean that the flight would be unbearable and the potential ramifications too great. Following our last trip to the States (and that only to the East Coast) and my utterly dreadful experience on the journey back, I doubt that I will be able to again make that trip, far less to the West Coast.

‘But, you look so well’.

Yes, I do. And thankfully I have been very well the last few weeks. I hope it continues and I remain deeply grateful to God.

But judging simply by outward appearances is rarely if ever the best way of approaching another person or situation.