The Rhythm of Life

Ever since I set out on the road of Christian discipleship I have been persuaded that we need to develop lives which follow certain disciplines and have a ‘shape’; we need to have a ‘Rhythm of Life’ (which also happens to be the title of one of David Adams excellent books of Celtic inspired Christian spirituality).

Christians from evangelical, liberal, catholic, charismatic, orthodox and Celtic streams would all broadly agree on this. Patterns of daily prayer and weekly worship and the shape of the Christian Year are all part of the ‘Rhythm of Life’. But there is more; the balance between work and leisure, play and prayer, family/friends and solitude and so on and on.

I am utterly convinced of the value of developing a ‘Rhythm of Life’, totally persuaded that it is essential to our personal and spiritual well being – and yet I am utterly hopeless at it!

Yes – that is a confession of abject failure!

I cannot get the Rhythm right.

Curiously, when it comes to music, I have a very good sense of rhythm. I should have been a drummer (but it was easier to carry a guitar around than a drum kit!). But beyond music, I am no good at it.

Prayer can get squeezed out, the family can suffer, friendships get neglected, domestic chores get put off, I ignore my own recreational needs and so on and on.

I imagine that I am not alone. But I really don’t know for sure.

Are you the same?

How can we fix it?

Do we need each other, perhaps??

(Or have I just embarrassed myself by admitting to an inability to do somethign that everyone else finds comes naturally?!?)

Let me know!

Measured and mature?

I do not think that any of us is ever in a position to judge what reasonable behaviour is or what acceptable or considered viewpoints are. It is all too subjective.

If we agree with someone then we might consider their views to be well thought through, balanced and ‘reasonable’. On the other hand, if we do not agree then...!!

And yet, the obvious fact of our inability to be truly objective does not excuse us from considering our own assertions and convictions (or those of others) in the light of what is mature and measured, ‘reasonable’ (in the common sense of that word) and – especially – in keeping with the kind of attitudes exemplified in Jesus, taught by him and urged upon us in the New Testament Epistles.

In our contemporary situation there are two responses to disagreement that I cannot quite understand. The one is the conviction that the view I hold is the correct one, without a shadow of a doubt and with no room for persuasion or discussion. The other is that if you do not accept my view, agree with me and decide/vote accordingly then I have every good reason to walk away from you/the Church/this congregation/Scotland...

Over recent months I have been most aware of this in three very different contexts:

·         the tradition of worship in the Church of Scotland (yes, I know, who would have imagined that this would have been a controversial issue with colleagues or within congregations... ? but especially with colleagues. I am tempted to quote the Professor in C S Lewis’s The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, ‘Bless me, what do they teach them at these schools?’!)

·         what passes for a debate on the independence issue (and I remain appalled at the poverty of the ‘debate’)

·         the ongoing (never-ending?) debate in the Church of Scotland (and other denominations) with regard to same sex relationships.

On this last point I recall being in a discussion amongst ministerial colleagues on same-sex relationships. One (who was obviously not yet decided on his view) ventured that he hoped that we might all learn to listen to what the Holy Spirit might be saying in this time of uncertainty and debate. The next person to speak said ‘Well, yes, I agree that we need to listen to the Holy Spirit. But we know that the Holy Spirit has already spoken and made God’s view clear...’ (I wonder if this also goes for slavery, polygamy, the role of women in the church, contraception etc etc...??)

But look at any of the three issues and you will find those who are all too ready to ‘throw their toys out of the pram’.

‘If they continue doing (this/that/other) in the services then I am going to go to another church’

‘I they vote “yes” in this referendum then I am going to go and live in England (or alternatively ‘if they vote to leave Europe I will emigrate to France...’)

‘If they affirm and accept the LGBT community and approve same-sex blessing/marriage I will leave the Church of Scotland.’

And I find myself wondering on what biblical, theological or spiritual ground such responses are made. One thing; such responses seem to me to be neither mature nor measured.

Hearing and Seeing

I was 10 years old when I first started wearing spectacles. I remember how amazed I was when I walked out of the opticians and saw how sharp and clear everything seemed. I could pick out individual leaves on trees (something that I had not been able to do before) and read the destination and numbers on buses! (My inability to do this was one of the things that suggested to my parents that a visit to the optician was in order). 

I could see what had always been there but which I had previously not spotted.

Last week I was fitted with a hearing aid; only one because the hearing loss is only in one ear. Pending further investigation the cause of this is not yet known. It could be MS (although MS only affects hearing in only a small proportion of cases).

They tell me that it can take up to two months to adjust to having a hearing aid, and I can believe that! However, already I am amazed at what I can hear. The every day I was fitted with the aid I spent a good half hour just sitting in St Cuthbert’s graveyard listening to the birds. I heard their song with a new and unexpected clarity.

All of which makes me wonder what we miss out on because we do not listen or look.

Do we really hear what people are saying? Do we hear what God is saying?

Do we see the beauty of the world, the suffering of many people, the Divine presence in creation or the love of God in Christ?

Do we?

These things are all there to be seen or heard.

My Shortest ever blog

I really like this.

Do you think we can manage it in church too?

Please??

The time is right to write

For very many years now I have been thinking about writing a book. In fact, several potential books have been in my mind. However, in this last couple of years a number of folks have suggested me to that I write something about how I have dealt with issues of MS, ministry and faith etc.

So, encouraged by them and by the example of my friends Dorothy Neilson ('Me, God and Prozac') and Scott Burton ('Holy Whitewater') I have begun to write a book...

...I say ‘begun’ because I am far from sure that I will finish it, not at all convinced that anyone will want to publish it and (assuming I do finish it and get it published) far from certain that anyone will want to read it!

But, so far, the writing has been really rather liberating and revealing. The discipline of reflecting on my experience, finding the words to express that and daily (mostly!) writing something has been very helpful.

So why has it taken me so long?

Perhaps it has taken me so long because I am not at all sure of my capabilities in this realm. I have never written a book before. Can I do it?

What is more, I am not sure I have much of a story to tell. There are many who face much more profound challenges with a medical condition and many who seem to me to have handled the challenges with much more faith and grace than I have.

Nonetheless, it now fells like the right time, and I have begun.

If I ever finish and it ever gets published, you – dear blog readers – will be the first to know!

Making Sense of Loss

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance; the classic ‘Five Stages of Grief’.

Personally I remain unconvinced that this is necessarily a sequential set of ‘stages’ through which we pass in bereavement, but I do recognise that these experiences – in whatever order they may come - are very common in those facing loss.

In my own journey of these last 8 years in terms of my diagnosis of MS I have experienced denial, anger and depression, but not in that order and sometimes I find myself returning to one I thought I had passed through. Have I reached ‘acceptance’? I think I move towards a greater acceptance and then revisit denial or anger before moving on again to still deeper acceptance and so on back and forth.

So, for example, in the aftermath of my diagnosis I did experience ‘denial’. I moved on from that to a limited sense of acceptance, but in these last few months I found myself returning to denial before moving back to a still deeper (although neither a ‘happy’ nor ‘resigned’) acceptance.

I had no conscious feeling of anger until a few weeks ago, some 8 years after my diagnosis! And I do not recognise or recall any attempt at ‘bargaining’.

And yet, I wonder if I have in fact been experiencing these emotions, but simply not realising that they had anything to do with grieving or with my medical condition.

Why do small insignificant things so irritate me?

Why do I sometimes feel so strangely sad for no apparent reason?

Why do prayer about my family or my ministry or whatever sometimes seem so much like bargaining with God?

I reckon we all go through something of this when life changes and loss is experienced, whether that be in terms of bereavement, health challenges, ageing, loss of status, employment or workplace changes, or – indeed – changes in a congregation, its style, its worship its key people etc

In the face of loss (whether that loss is recognised or unrecognised) relatively minor things assume a disproportionate significance and can attract a great deal of emotional investment.

Perhaps, for ministers, that is worth us bearing in mind. When some seemingly small or insignificant change or innovation in the congregation occasions a great deal of emotion, what is really going on? Are people experiencing or feeling a deeper loss? Not that we can always tell (and even if we can, not that we can always do something about it!)

For me the irony is that one of the most painful losses I experience when I go through a dip in my health (as I am currently experiencing) is the loss of a certain degree of cognitive function, discernment, decision making ability and good planning – the very things that are required in ministry when others are experiencing their own unrecognised losses!

Most people think that MS mainly affects mobility and sensory functions etc. While not entirely free from these, I have to deal with them only occasionally and at a relatively mild level. But the commonest symptom of MS is chronic fatigue and emotional lability and cognitive dysfunction are also very common. These are the three which most affect me, and there it is that I feel the greatest and deepest loss. And still I keep swinging from denial to acceptance, from mild depression back to acceptance, and now also anger to (I hope) a still deeper acceptance... and the hope that – as has happened in the past – I will again emerge from this dip and normal service will be resumed.

In and through this journey, the Psalms have been my companions. In their honesty, confusion, comfort and hope I find a great deal of strength. There are few ‘answers’ in the Psalms, and I am thankful for that. Right at the moment I don’t need ‘answers’; I need hope.

‘Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my help and my God.’

Amen.

Diverse Views and Different Opinions

Today was ‘Tram Day’. After all the time and disruption and disputes and escalating costs, Edinburgh has a tram service; well a few miles of a single line at any rate.

And, yes, I actually went for a ride on one and was duly impressed. But what really struck me, after all the criticism and grumbling, was that the trams were packed with hoards of enthusiastic and excited people, and onlookers were waving from the pavement! Quite different from the negativity and cynicism that had been so very evident before.

I have no engineering knowledge and no experience of managing major construction works, but it seems undeniable that the whole trams project was hopelessly mismanaged from the beginning resulting in disputes, unnecessary disruption, unhelpful controversy, difficulties for business and spiralling costs.

What a shame.

But to assert that the project was mismanaged does not necessarily mean that it was misconceived!

All the evidence from European cities and other UK cities is that the benefits will, in time, far outweigh the costs, that trams will bring a major economic boost to the city (and there are already signs of this) and that building an efficient transport infrastructure will be essential for the future of a city and region that will be growing rapidly in the coming years and where care use in the city centre is increasingly unsustainable. See, for example, http://www.scotsman.com/news/comment-turning-edinburgh-tram-pain-into-positive-1-3276567

In short, all the evidence suggests that no matter how horrendous the cost in terms of finance or disruption, the gains will be still more. Oh, and the people of (eg) Sheffield and Dublin who also installed trams tell us that they hated the disruption but now love the trams! Check out http://www.edinburghnews.scotsman.com/news/transport/edinburgh-trams-you-ll-love-them-says-dublin-1-3428779

But I suspect that those who have already decided that the trams were a criminal waste of money, and unnecessary disruption will remain unswayed by rational argument or factual presentations. The feelings run deep and when our passions are involved, no facts will persuade us. At least not quickly.

This is not true only of trams.

We could say much the same about the independence debate, the European debate, concerns regarding ‘benefit scroungers’, immigration, and so on and on. It seems to me that many of us fix our views at an emotional level and neither facts nor logic will shift these. I suspect most of us are guilty of this at some level.

So what will change our minds if our gut reaction has already determined our attitudes?

Sadly, sometimes there is nothing that will change people’s minds. But often it is experience, encounter and time that will have the effect of changing our minds.

Many of the disputes within the church can be undertaken at the level of feeling and passion and not rational discourse. But when gut reactions have closed minds to argument there is still hope. If someone truly encounters another person coming from a different perspective, if there is experience of another who has a different lifestyle / theology / outlook and yet who is still evidently close to God, and if we can give ourselves and others time to readjust our views, then just maybe the change can begin.

However, the danger is that we so vehemently state our case and fix our position at an early stage that we make it more difficult for ourselves to change our minds, or we paint others into a corner from which it is not easy for them to move with any semblance of dignity.

We need to give ourselves – and others – time, and the opportunities to experience new situations, explore and live with the changes we resist and encounter and engage with others who have a different perspective.

It is usually a mistake to fix our views too quickly, to express them to vehemently or to hold them too firmly, at least at first. It makes it so much more difficult for us to change our minds.