Measured and mature?

I do not think that any of us is ever in a position to judge what reasonable behaviour is or what acceptable or considered viewpoints are. It is all too subjective.

If we agree with someone then we might consider their views to be well thought through, balanced and ‘reasonable’. On the other hand, if we do not agree then...!!

And yet, the obvious fact of our inability to be truly objective does not excuse us from considering our own assertions and convictions (or those of others) in the light of what is mature and measured, ‘reasonable’ (in the common sense of that word) and – especially – in keeping with the kind of attitudes exemplified in Jesus, taught by him and urged upon us in the New Testament Epistles.

In our contemporary situation there are two responses to disagreement that I cannot quite understand. The one is the conviction that the view I hold is the correct one, without a shadow of a doubt and with no room for persuasion or discussion. The other is that if you do not accept my view, agree with me and decide/vote accordingly then I have every good reason to walk away from you/the Church/this congregation/Scotland...

Over recent months I have been most aware of this in three very different contexts:

·         the tradition of worship in the Church of Scotland (yes, I know, who would have imagined that this would have been a controversial issue with colleagues or within congregations... ? but especially with colleagues. I am tempted to quote the Professor in C S Lewis’s The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, ‘Bless me, what do they teach them at these schools?’!)

·         what passes for a debate on the independence issue (and I remain appalled at the poverty of the ‘debate’)

·         the ongoing (never-ending?) debate in the Church of Scotland (and other denominations) with regard to same sex relationships.

On this last point I recall being in a discussion amongst ministerial colleagues on same-sex relationships. One (who was obviously not yet decided on his view) ventured that he hoped that we might all learn to listen to what the Holy Spirit might be saying in this time of uncertainty and debate. The next person to speak said ‘Well, yes, I agree that we need to listen to the Holy Spirit. But we know that the Holy Spirit has already spoken and made God’s view clear...’ (I wonder if this also goes for slavery, polygamy, the role of women in the church, contraception etc etc...??)

But look at any of the three issues and you will find those who are all too ready to ‘throw their toys out of the pram’.

‘If they continue doing (this/that/other) in the services then I am going to go to another church’

‘I they vote “yes” in this referendum then I am going to go and live in England (or alternatively ‘if they vote to leave Europe I will emigrate to France...’)

‘If they affirm and accept the LGBT community and approve same-sex blessing/marriage I will leave the Church of Scotland.’

And I find myself wondering on what biblical, theological or spiritual ground such responses are made. One thing; such responses seem to me to be neither mature nor measured.

Hearing and Seeing

I was 10 years old when I first started wearing spectacles. I remember how amazed I was when I walked out of the opticians and saw how sharp and clear everything seemed. I could pick out individual leaves on trees (something that I had not been able to do before) and read the destination and numbers on buses! (My inability to do this was one of the things that suggested to my parents that a visit to the optician was in order). 

I could see what had always been there but which I had previously not spotted.

Last week I was fitted with a hearing aid; only one because the hearing loss is only in one ear. Pending further investigation the cause of this is not yet known. It could be MS (although MS only affects hearing in only a small proportion of cases).

They tell me that it can take up to two months to adjust to having a hearing aid, and I can believe that! However, already I am amazed at what I can hear. The every day I was fitted with the aid I spent a good half hour just sitting in St Cuthbert’s graveyard listening to the birds. I heard their song with a new and unexpected clarity.

All of which makes me wonder what we miss out on because we do not listen or look.

Do we really hear what people are saying? Do we hear what God is saying?

Do we see the beauty of the world, the suffering of many people, the Divine presence in creation or the love of God in Christ?

Do we?

These things are all there to be seen or heard.

My Shortest ever blog

I really like this.

Do you think we can manage it in church too?

Please??

The time is right to write

For very many years now I have been thinking about writing a book. In fact, several potential books have been in my mind. However, in this last couple of years a number of folks have suggested me to that I write something about how I have dealt with issues of MS, ministry and faith etc.

So, encouraged by them and by the example of my friends Dorothy Neilson ('Me, God and Prozac') and Scott Burton ('Holy Whitewater') I have begun to write a book...

...I say ‘begun’ because I am far from sure that I will finish it, not at all convinced that anyone will want to publish it and (assuming I do finish it and get it published) far from certain that anyone will want to read it!

But, so far, the writing has been really rather liberating and revealing. The discipline of reflecting on my experience, finding the words to express that and daily (mostly!) writing something has been very helpful.

So why has it taken me so long?

Perhaps it has taken me so long because I am not at all sure of my capabilities in this realm. I have never written a book before. Can I do it?

What is more, I am not sure I have much of a story to tell. There are many who face much more profound challenges with a medical condition and many who seem to me to have handled the challenges with much more faith and grace than I have.

Nonetheless, it now fells like the right time, and I have begun.

If I ever finish and it ever gets published, you – dear blog readers – will be the first to know!

Making Sense of Loss

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance; the classic ‘Five Stages of Grief’.

Personally I remain unconvinced that this is necessarily a sequential set of ‘stages’ through which we pass in bereavement, but I do recognise that these experiences – in whatever order they may come - are very common in those facing loss.

In my own journey of these last 8 years in terms of my diagnosis of MS I have experienced denial, anger and depression, but not in that order and sometimes I find myself returning to one I thought I had passed through. Have I reached ‘acceptance’? I think I move towards a greater acceptance and then revisit denial or anger before moving on again to still deeper acceptance and so on back and forth.

So, for example, in the aftermath of my diagnosis I did experience ‘denial’. I moved on from that to a limited sense of acceptance, but in these last few months I found myself returning to denial before moving back to a still deeper (although neither a ‘happy’ nor ‘resigned’) acceptance.

I had no conscious feeling of anger until a few weeks ago, some 8 years after my diagnosis! And I do not recognise or recall any attempt at ‘bargaining’.

And yet, I wonder if I have in fact been experiencing these emotions, but simply not realising that they had anything to do with grieving or with my medical condition.

Why do small insignificant things so irritate me?

Why do I sometimes feel so strangely sad for no apparent reason?

Why do prayer about my family or my ministry or whatever sometimes seem so much like bargaining with God?

I reckon we all go through something of this when life changes and loss is experienced, whether that be in terms of bereavement, health challenges, ageing, loss of status, employment or workplace changes, or – indeed – changes in a congregation, its style, its worship its key people etc

In the face of loss (whether that loss is recognised or unrecognised) relatively minor things assume a disproportionate significance and can attract a great deal of emotional investment.

Perhaps, for ministers, that is worth us bearing in mind. When some seemingly small or insignificant change or innovation in the congregation occasions a great deal of emotion, what is really going on? Are people experiencing or feeling a deeper loss? Not that we can always tell (and even if we can, not that we can always do something about it!)

For me the irony is that one of the most painful losses I experience when I go through a dip in my health (as I am currently experiencing) is the loss of a certain degree of cognitive function, discernment, decision making ability and good planning – the very things that are required in ministry when others are experiencing their own unrecognised losses!

Most people think that MS mainly affects mobility and sensory functions etc. While not entirely free from these, I have to deal with them only occasionally and at a relatively mild level. But the commonest symptom of MS is chronic fatigue and emotional lability and cognitive dysfunction are also very common. These are the three which most affect me, and there it is that I feel the greatest and deepest loss. And still I keep swinging from denial to acceptance, from mild depression back to acceptance, and now also anger to (I hope) a still deeper acceptance... and the hope that – as has happened in the past – I will again emerge from this dip and normal service will be resumed.

In and through this journey, the Psalms have been my companions. In their honesty, confusion, comfort and hope I find a great deal of strength. There are few ‘answers’ in the Psalms, and I am thankful for that. Right at the moment I don’t need ‘answers’; I need hope.

‘Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my help and my God.’

Amen.

Diverse Views and Different Opinions

Today was ‘Tram Day’. After all the time and disruption and disputes and escalating costs, Edinburgh has a tram service; well a few miles of a single line at any rate.

And, yes, I actually went for a ride on one and was duly impressed. But what really struck me, after all the criticism and grumbling, was that the trams were packed with hoards of enthusiastic and excited people, and onlookers were waving from the pavement! Quite different from the negativity and cynicism that had been so very evident before.

I have no engineering knowledge and no experience of managing major construction works, but it seems undeniable that the whole trams project was hopelessly mismanaged from the beginning resulting in disputes, unnecessary disruption, unhelpful controversy, difficulties for business and spiralling costs.

What a shame.

But to assert that the project was mismanaged does not necessarily mean that it was misconceived!

All the evidence from European cities and other UK cities is that the benefits will, in time, far outweigh the costs, that trams will bring a major economic boost to the city (and there are already signs of this) and that building an efficient transport infrastructure will be essential for the future of a city and region that will be growing rapidly in the coming years and where care use in the city centre is increasingly unsustainable. See, for example, http://www.scotsman.com/news/comment-turning-edinburgh-tram-pain-into-positive-1-3276567

In short, all the evidence suggests that no matter how horrendous the cost in terms of finance or disruption, the gains will be still more. Oh, and the people of (eg) Sheffield and Dublin who also installed trams tell us that they hated the disruption but now love the trams! Check out http://www.edinburghnews.scotsman.com/news/transport/edinburgh-trams-you-ll-love-them-says-dublin-1-3428779

But I suspect that those who have already decided that the trams were a criminal waste of money, and unnecessary disruption will remain unswayed by rational argument or factual presentations. The feelings run deep and when our passions are involved, no facts will persuade us. At least not quickly.

This is not true only of trams.

We could say much the same about the independence debate, the European debate, concerns regarding ‘benefit scroungers’, immigration, and so on and on. It seems to me that many of us fix our views at an emotional level and neither facts nor logic will shift these. I suspect most of us are guilty of this at some level.

So what will change our minds if our gut reaction has already determined our attitudes?

Sadly, sometimes there is nothing that will change people’s minds. But often it is experience, encounter and time that will have the effect of changing our minds.

Many of the disputes within the church can be undertaken at the level of feeling and passion and not rational discourse. But when gut reactions have closed minds to argument there is still hope. If someone truly encounters another person coming from a different perspective, if there is experience of another who has a different lifestyle / theology / outlook and yet who is still evidently close to God, and if we can give ourselves and others time to readjust our views, then just maybe the change can begin.

However, the danger is that we so vehemently state our case and fix our position at an early stage that we make it more difficult for ourselves to change our minds, or we paint others into a corner from which it is not easy for them to move with any semblance of dignity.

We need to give ourselves – and others – time, and the opportunities to experience new situations, explore and live with the changes we resist and encounter and engage with others who have a different perspective.

It is usually a mistake to fix our views too quickly, to express them to vehemently or to hold them too firmly, at least at first. It makes it so much more difficult for us to change our minds.

Some Advent Reflections

Some Advent Reflections

At the beginning of Advent we almost always have a short break of a few days or a week. Over the years this break has allowed us the time to write Christmas cards, buy Christmas presents or even do a little bit of preparation for some of the forthcoming services. But above all it allows us some time to rest and gather our strength before the full force of the demands of the season breaks upon us.

For many years we spent the time at Crieff Hydro. One year Jane was not free to take time out and I spent a week in the USA! But these last two years we have had a timeshare week at the beginning of December which has suited us well now that we have a dog, and it also allows us to do a lot of walking and to entertain friends and family.

This year I found myself sharing some daily Advent reflections and lessons on facebook during these few days. People were kind enough to comment positively on them and so now – as Advent is about to break into Christmas celebration – I thought I would review them, edit out the ones that were only relevant at the time, and share them via my blog.

Happy Christmas to everyone!

Advent lessons learned...

1. Even if it is raining and the dog is clearly tired he STILL needs/wants a LONG walk
2. Winning at Scrabble does not ensure unadulterated joy or even congratulation
3. Some discussions are best avoided
4. Facebook is not the best forum for a complex and nuanced debate. Too often serious discussion on that forum seems to lead to grief.
5. No matter how carefully you give directions, satnav will always get your invited house guests completely lost
6. I am no longer so sure that it really is better to have tried and failed than not to have tried. Some discretion needs to be injected into that equation!
7. The night sky on a clear night far from city lights is utterly awesome!
8. God is still God, and the waiting and longing for the Coming Day still stirs in my heart a bitter-sweet yearning. Your kingdom come!

9. Our dog is no longer scared of the water, but remains a little nervous of other dogs.
10. Scotland is beautiful in every season and we are truly blessed to live in the midst of such beauty.
11. I SO enjoy having my family around and today was great with Iain Denniston and Ruth Jane Denniston, but REALLY missed Graeme Denniston, wish he had been here and look forward to us all being together again at Christmas.
12. You cannot win every Scrabble game.... but I will settle for most !
13. Every day really is a new day, and yesterday is gone... we confess our sins, ask for forgiveness, turn from our mistakes, and face the future in faith and with hope. That feels pretty good to me.
14. God's promises cannot be thwarted and though we may yet have to wait, still they will be fulfilled... of that I felt deeply reassured in the course of today.
15. I need to keep being reminded that neither 'growth' nor 'success' are necessary indicators of faithfulness... and that it is faithfulness to which God calls me, and I can be too readily tempted by the false gods of success and 'relevance'.
16. Most of all, an overwhelming sense of being truly blessed in so many ways. I am deeply, deeply grateful. Thank you God.

17. No matter how inspiring or insightful a thought or an idea may seem, until it is subject to critical scrutiny it cannot yield its full fruit (or be exposed as an imposter!). 
18. With time to reflect, I am discovering aspects of my personality and behaviour that need some attention...
19. Dogs can bring out the best in human beings and are often catalysts for human encounter.
20. When the wild winds blow, we have an instinctive urge to huddle in safety. But is it not then that Jesus calls us – as he called Peter – to step out of the boat and into the storm...?
21. No matter how well-intentioned an offer of help may be, it is best to check out if it is really what is wanted by the person one is seeking to help.
22. Lighting candles in the power cut was a reminder that such means of illumination were essential in the ancient world and not simply decorative as they are today. Jesus, Light of the World.
23. There is a real release in being snowed in / cut off / without power / denied mobile phone and internet access. Somewhere in it all there is a liberation, alongside a longing for restoration and – above all - a concern for those who utterly depend upon power provision.
24. Those great people who make a real difference and leave a huge mark on the world often have to travel long and suffer much. RIP Nelson Mandela. Respect.
25. Plan as you will, but your plans may well have to be adjusted or abandoned when bigger forces come along (so, thanks to the weather, Iain and Ruth do not return to Edinburgh until tomorrow and we have not been able to entertain friends here at Nethy as hoped for and planned)

26. The life and struggle and achievement of Nelson Mandela are an inspiration, example and challenge to us. Do we achieve so little because we risk so little, because we won’t pay the price, because we compromise so readily?

27. Even on holiday there is not enough time in a day to do all I would like. Perhaps I just need to learn to accept that!

28. ‘Truth and reconciliation’; what a wonderful, visionary and courageous (not to say effective!) way of healing divisions and uniting a nation.

29. I sense that these are important days for me... God re-shaping my attitudes and priorities? I must learn more from the priorities, ministry and approach of Jesus.

30. If you think something positive about someone, you should say it (if it is appropriate!) and not just think it.

31. If something is lost, don’t despair, it is worth looking for and may be found (lost the dog’s lead in a forest car park deep with snow... today we went back and some kind person had found the lead in the snow and hung it up on the fence)

32. Our wonderful dog is doing not too badly in terms of behaviour (having watched one of a similar age in a car park who behaved appallingly!)

33. On a long journey we need to stop from time to time to rest, to be refreshed and to be relieved (!). We are on a long journey as we follow Jesus on the path of discipleship and wait for the coming day. We need to stop form time to time to rest in his presence and be refreshed by his Spirit.

That said, we press on and do not give up on the journey. (See Philippians 3: 12-16 and Hebrews 12: 1-2)